


An alternative to falling apart

by paddypads



Series: An alternative to falling apart 'verse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, and some lamps get broken, i just want happy endings okay, there are some naughty words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 15:37:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paddypads/pseuds/paddypads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius decides that he can't cope any more. He would rather trust Remus again, and lose everything, than carry on like this. There's nothing worse than not trusting someone you love. An alternative series of events to Peter's betrayal, James's death, and Sirius's arrest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of confrontations

**Author's Note:**

> The "Mature" rating is for the second chapter, and for mild violence in this one

It's late when Sirius finally, finally makes it back to the flat. But, then, these days, it always is. He told Remus that he would be home at seven, but seven o'clock is long past, nearly four hours gone. He doubts that Remus would be waiting up for him. He is probably already pretending to be asleep. Pretending was the closest either of them got, these days. Sirius hasn't slept properly in weeks, and, when he does, he's woken by old nightmares.

He unlocks the front door, and kicks off his shoes as quietly as possible. If Remus has managed to fall asleep, he doesn't want to wake him.  
To his surprise, when he enters the sitting room, Remus is there, with a cup of tea, and a book. For a second, Sirius can pretend that things haven't fallen to shit, that they haven't been comminucating through notes on the fridge and terse, unfriendly conversations. He wishes, more than anything, that he could tell Remus where he's been, tell him that he's not the spy, that he's not cheating on him, and  _explain._ But he can't, because he promised secrecy, and he won't break that promise unless he has no choice. Until he can be sure that Remus isn't the spy.

And then, Remus looks up. "You're late," he says. He doesn't sound angry, or upset. Just empty, and tired. And that hurts Sirius more than anything, because he knows, he knows it's his fault. 

"I know. I'm sorry." And he is, he is sorry. And he knows that Remus's werewolf senses will be able to pick up the smell of other people, will be able to hear his heart speed up when he lies about where he's been, and he knows what this will look like. 

"I made dinner. You'll have to reheat yours. It's in the fridge." Remus stands up. "Where have you been?"

"Work. They needed me to do a double shift." The flash of hurt that crosses Remus's face when he lies feels like a slap across the face. But there's no alternative to the lie. Not now.

"Fine. I'm going to bed." Remus turns to leave the room.

For a moment, Sirius considers stopping him. Instead, all he says is "I might be gone when you wake up tomorrow. I have to do the early shift at the pub."

Remus says nothing, and leaves. Sirius wonders how slowly a heart can break, or if his is long since shattered. It's hard, loving someone you don't trust. It's worse when they don't trust you. He hates this. He hates it more than he's ever hated anything, because it's not just him it hurts, it's Remus, and he'd promised to never let him get hurt again. But now it's his fault, and he's too cowardly to do anything.

He eats slowly. The truth is, he doesn't want to go to bed. He can't deal with going to their room, that isn't even really theirs anymore, and getting into bed, and having the person he loves more than anything being so far away. 

Sirius is halfway through washing his plate up when he makes up his mind. He has had enough. He can't do this. He won't. Promises be dammed. If he can't trust Remus, then he doesn't want to trust anyone. Peter's stupid theories about Remus being the spy can go to hell, for all he cares.

"I wasn't at work," is the first thing he says, and while he panics because he knows that's a terrible way to have begun this conversation. Remus sits up in bed.

"I know," he says, and he doesn't sound sad. More relieved. "You should have told me before. I'd rather you left me than made me feel like this."

"I- no. No. I'm not leaving you. I'm not." Sirius doesn't care how desperate he sounds. "I'm not cheating on you. I would never, I swear."

"Then where have you been?" And now Remus is angry, and a part of Sirius relishes that because finally, finally Remus is acting as though he cares.

"Fabian Prewett. He died a few months ago. He had a boyfriend. It was a secret thing, he didn't think his family would approve. I've been helping him. Tea and sympathy."

"Well. Thank you for letting me know. Very kind of you."

"I should have told you before. I'm so sorry." He thinks he might be sick. This isn't helping, not really.

Remus stands up, glaring at Sirius. "Did you know there's a war on? People are dying, Sirius! So when you're late home, all the fucking time, and you don't warn me, or call me, or owl me, I assume the worst. And then when I call the pub to see if you're there and you're not, that does very little to help me stop thinking you're dead. Can you imagine what that feels like?"

Sirius thinks he might cry. He hadn't thought about it. He wishes now that he had. He wishes none of this would have happened. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry, okay? I know I should have told you, but I promised. And it's not like you ever act like you care, not to my face." He wipes at his eyes angrily. He hates crying. "I'm sorry. But _there's a war on,_ and you've hardly given me reason to trust you." 

"I spend half my time thinking you're fucking _dead_ , Sirius! It's exhausting and terrifying and-" Remus cuts himself off, and wipes his eyes. It doesn't help much.  "So I-I'm sorry if I didn't seem like I cared but you don't tell me anything anymore." He pauses again. "What- what do you mean, what have I done?"

"You don't tell me anything either!" Sirius dimly registers that he's shouting now. "You go off on Order missions and you leave me a note on the fucking fridge the morning you leave! You never say when you'll be back, or if you're coming back! You're not- you're not the only one who worries." He takes a deep breath, and tries to calm himself down. "I fucked up, I know, but I'm trying to fix it and you're not letting me and I- I love you, you _idiot_!" He freezes as soon as the words leave his mouth. He hasn't said it in so long it feel strange, and that nearly starts him crying again.

"At least I- you do? Still?" Remus looks at him in astonishment.

"Of course I do. Of course I love you. Why else would I still be here?" Sirius takes a tentative step closer to Remus, who doesn't stop staring.

"I don't- I don't know." He says, after what feels to Sirius like an age. "It's awful here."

"It is. It really is. We should move. Find somewhere else. If you still... if you still want to be with me?"

"Of course I do." Remus nods. "I do. I love you, so much, and I wanted to leave but I couldn't and I tried to make dinner but you're never here and I just- I miss you so much so will you please just hug me or something?"

Sirius practically runs over to Remus, and hugs him tightly. "I love you, too. So much. I'm so fucking glad you didn't leave. I'm so sorry I listened to Peter."

"P-Peter? What did Peter say?"

"He tried to make me thing you were the spy and I beleived him. I'm so sorry, I should have trusted you."

Remus takes a step back, and starts looking around for his clothes. "Peter told you I was the spy?"

Shit. Shitshitshit. He's fucked up again. "I- yeah. He's James and Lily's secret keeper now. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have thought it was you."

"No, get your wand. It's Peter. It's fucking Peter. He's the spy." Remus pulls on his shoes as he speaks.

Sirius summons his shoes from the hallway and puts them on. "How can you be sure? Should I contact the Order?"

"Peter told me he thought you were the spy. Why would he trick both of us? We need to got James and Lily and Harry somewhere safe."

"Yes. I'll send them a message. They can come here. James'll want to come with us. He can meet us at Peter's. You send the Order something." Sirius waved his wand, and a large silvery wolf appeared. He pretended not to notice Remus's staring at his patronus, and hastitly instructed it to deliver a message to James. He tried to hide his smile when the wolf was followed by a large dog.

"Right. Peter. Where will he be?" Remus ran a nervous hand through his hair.

"His place, probably. He never goes anywhere."

"Then let's go." Remus held out his hand for Sirius, who took it with a small smile. It felt strange to be able to do this again, but it was a good kind of strange. After a second, Remus turns on the spot, and Sirius feels a jerk behind his navel, and the world dissolves into a spiralling mess. When it solidifies, he is standing outside Peter's front door. He hasn't been here with Remus for months, and it feels slightly odd. He wishes they had more time to talk about everything, and he promises himself that they will as soon as they can.

Sirius knocks on the door with his free hand. "Peter, you in?" 

After a second, Peter opens the door. "Oh, hello, Sirius, how are- Oh. Remus too. Things are going better, then?"

Remus smiles coldly. "You could say that, yes."

"I think," Sirius said, in an even tone. "That you ought to let us in."

With a crack, James winked into being next to them. "We do really need to talk to you."

"Ah, well, you see-" Peter took a step back and slammed the door. As soon as it had closed, Remus threw himself against it.

"You open this door right now so I can fucking kill you!" He shouted.

Peter's reply came in a slightly higher pitch than normal. "Strangely, that doesn't make me want to open the door."

With a lazy flick of his wand, Sirius blasted the door off it's hinges. "Right then." He stepped into the room, where Peter stood, frozen. "Anything you'd like to explain?"

"Would you care to, say, show us your left forearm?" James said, following Sirius, wand raised.

"I'm okay, thanks. I've got a nasty rash. Better leave it as it is." Peter spoke far too fast.

"Show us your arm or I'll rip it off." Remus snarled. 

"Remus, Moony, please, come on, you know I'm not a bad guy. We're friends." Sirius half expected Peter to start begging.

"Thing is," he said, "there's a war on. So why don't we all roll up our left sleeves and see who has the Dark Mark?"

"Fine by me." James pushes his sleeve up and shows them his arm. "Looks like I'm clean. Moony, how about you?"

Remus rolls up his own sleeve. "Well, it's not me. Sirius, would you care to show us your lovely arms?"

Sirius shrugs off his jacket and holds his arm out. "Nothing there."

Peter began a stuttering protest, only to be cut off by Remus twisting his right arm behind his back. Peter whimpers. "Please don't, please, I'll show you, I'll show you."

Remus lets go, and steps closer to Sirius. "Go on, then."

Peter rolls up his sleeve. The Dark Mark is even uglier up close, Sirius thinks. "I'm sorry. I was scared. They said I'd be safe if I got it..." Peter's eyes are wide, and scared.

"Don't let him touch it. It'll call Voldemort." Sirius tries not to laugh when Peter flinches at the name. "So. Pettigrew. You've got a few minutes to make excuses before the aurors get here."

"Wait, wait, Sirius! Don't let them take me away, we're still friends, aren't we? The Marauders?" Peter looks so desperate, Sirius nearly takes pity on him, but then he remembers the months of not trusting Remus, and he thinks better of it.

"Well." He said. "As you're standing there with a Dark Mark on your arm, we're not friends, no."

"James-"

"Don't bother. My wife and son are in danger because of you. So just don't bother." James looks angrier than Sirius has ever seen him, and he's very thankfu that this isn't directed at him.

"Remus? Remus you'll help me, won't you? I've helped you..."

"No." Remus knocks a lamp over.

"Was that necessary?" Sirius asked, with a small smile.

"I wanted to break something." Remus shrugs, and Sirius smiles properly.

"Next thing that get's broken is his nose." Sirius gives Peter a wide smile. "Now. Excuses?"

"I have _reasons_ not excuses. Three people on my street have died. I was scared. They said they'd keep me safe." Peter slumps, dejected.

"Pathetic." Sirius says, decisively. "Like that'd convince us."

"Well then, how about 'I was drunk' or 'I wasn't thinking'?" Peter asks, and Sirius loses his tenuous hold on his temper. While Remus may have forgiven him for what happened with Snape, Peter knows very well that Sirius will never forgive himself. And so he feels no guilt whatsoever when he punches him hard in the face, breaking his nose.

Peter falls to the floor, with a cry of pain, and covers his nose. "Fuck! You broke my nose! I was only saying that I'm hardly the first one to betray one of us." He laughs, and it sounds hysterical. "Maybe Moony will fall in love with me?"

Remus kicks him. "Shut the fuck up." He says, and Peter does.

James looks down at him with disgust. "You're pathetic." He says.

"Okay, look." Peter sighs, collecting himself. "If you let me go I can put in a good word for you guys. You can join. I mean, Sirius, it's kind of expected of you. And Remus, I was surprised you hadn't already, being as you are."

"Expected of me?" Sirius laughs. "They gay blood traitor? Yes, I'm sure they'd love me."

"Being as I am?" Remus asks, "Gay? Short? What do you mean?"

Before Peter can answer, a group of three aurors, led by Alastor Moody apparate into the flat. "I'm assuming we have the right house." He grunts, surveying Peter with his normal eye, while the magical one checked the room.

"No, not at all." Peter shakes his head frantically.

Moody glares at Peter. "Get up." He snarls, and, shaking, Peter gets to his feet. For a moment, Sirius thinks he might try to run for it, but he doesn't. He looks too tired, to defeated to try. He is still covering his bloody nose when Moody apparates him away. As they go, Sirus hears one of the other aurors remark to the other that Peter won't get a trial. Just life in Azkaban. He thinks that he should pity him, but he doesn't. He's been through too much because of him to feel anything but hatred.

He is dragged out of his thoughts by Remus's hand brushing his. He holds it tightly. He doesn't want to let go. And he doesn't, not until they're undressing for bed. James and Lily are in the spare room, with Harry. They'll move to a safe house tomorrow. Sirius smiles, and moves closer to Remus. He's very nearly lying on top of him, but Remus doesn't care. He simply tightens his grip on Sirius, and sighs happily.

And, in all honesty, everything is not alright. Not yet. But it will be. And for now, that is enough to be getting on with.


	2. Of Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for what is quite probably the world's worst sex scene ever I've sort of not done this before.

Sirius wakes up before Remus. He always does, and always has, even when they were at school. He lies there, for a moment, enjoying the feeling of Remus's arms wrapped tightly around his waist, relishing being close to him again after so, so long apart. Eventually he disentangles himself, careful not to wake Remus, and makes his way to the shower. He washes his hair with the same amount of meticulous care as always, and dries and styles it, taking far longer than anybody really ought to. He knows that if James, still asleep in the spare room, were here, he'd be teasing him, just as he did when they wer at Hogwarts. Whatever. Sirius likes his hair.

He gets dressed, and as quietly as he can, tipotoes to the kitchen for a cup of coffee for himself, and for Remus's morning tea. While the kettle is boiling, he calls in sick for both of them. He doesn't much like the telephone, but he's had to get used to it, with Remus working in a muggle bookshop. They have one in the Leaky Cauldron, too, although Sirius has never been sure why, and he doesn't ask, because it seems rude. He loves his job, he loves watching people coming and going, he loves talking to the people who come in for a drink, or for lunch. Sirius has always been a people person, and, as his highest NEWT was in Muggle Studies, working in a pub does very well for him. It's not like he and Remus need the money, anyway. The jobs are just something to do while they spend Sirius's inheritance. And, oh, it's so very nice to be a unit again, to be SiriusandRemus instead of Sirius and Remus. It makes him happier than anything.

He takes Remus his tea, with far too much milk and sugar, and sets it carefully on the bedside table. Remus is still asleep, snoring lightly, smiling slightly. It's been too long since he's seen him smile. Sirius kisses him softly on the mouth, and Remus stirs, blinking sleepily.

"Time is it?" He asks, and Sirius smiles brightly. This is always the first thing Remus asks in the morning.

"Half past nine, love. Time to wake up." He strokes his hair.

"Don't wanna." Remus pouts. "Warm in here."

"I know. I brought you tea, though. Will you sit up and drink it for me?"

Grumbling slightly, Remus complies. Sirius can hear the sounds of the Potters moving around in the spare room.

"I'm going to go and make breakfast. The aurors will be here for James and Lils soon. They should get some food in them before they go." He stands up to leave the room, but stops when Remus reaches out a hand to him.

"Stay?" He asks. "Please stay. I've missed you."

Sirus sits back down. "I'll stay." He holds Remus's hand tightly. "I've missed you, too."

They sit together until Remus has finished his tea, and then make their way to the kitchen together. Remus is still in his pyjamas, still not wholly awake, but James and Lily choose not to comment, apart from a slight smile. Harry hugs them both tightly around the shins, and Remus, in his uncoordinated state, nearly falls. James laughs at that, and Lily tries not to, but nobody really speaks, beyond mumbled greetings until breakfast is on the table. Too much has happened, too much that they all need time to process for anybody to talk until they're full of bacon and eggs.

Dumbledore himself arrives, just as Lily is helping Sirius with the washing up. Remus answers the door, now more awake, but no more dressed. Sirius doesn't miss the twinkle in his old headmaster's eye at the sight of Remus, or at the sight of James chasing Harry about the sitting room.

"Good morning, Sir." Sirius says, with a smile. "Can I get you anything, a cup of tea?"

"No thank you, my dear boy." Dumbledore smiles at him. "No, I had best be quick here, I think."

"We're ready to leave. Our things are in the hall." Lily says, putting down her tea towel.

"Well, then. We had best be off." Dumbledore fixes Sirius with a stern look. "I shall write to you soon, to arrange the time and place for us tp perform the fidelius charm. Properly, this time."

"Yes, Sir." Sirius smiles.

"We'll see you soon, mate." James hugs him, and then Remus. "Take care of each other."

"We will." Remus nods. "Now off you go."

With a last hug from Harry, Dumbledore escorts the Potters away.

The flat goes very quiet.

"We need to move out." Remus says, eventually.

"Yes. Yes." Sirius nods. "I've called in sick for us today. We have the flu. We can start looking for somewhere tomorrow."

"Somewhere big. With a good view, so that you can paint." Remus smiles, and gestures at the paintings and drawings of Sirius's that hang on the walls.

"With space for a library for you. And for that piano the Potters have been trying to give me since they realised I knew how to play one." Sirius smiles, and Remus laughs.

"Near a park, so that we can go for walks in the summer." Remus's smile widens at the though, and Sirius, without thinking, kisses him. 

It almost surprises him when Remus kisses him back, fisting a hand in the fabric of his t-shirt and pulling him closer. "Bedroom." Remus manages, between kisses, and they stumble down the hall towards it.

They collapse onto their bed, scrabbling at clothes, trying to get them off as quickly as possible. Sirius wants to ask Remus if he's sure he wants this, after it's been so long, but he gets his answer when Remus loses patience with Sirius's t-shirt and rips it in his haste to get it off. Sirius lies back, pulling Remus on top of him, and kissing him hard. The bruising force of their kisses, and the way Remus is pulling at Sirius's hair is at odds with the rest of his movements, with the gentle way he pushes his legs apart and the soft tap of his wand on Sirius's hip as he mutters the lubrication spell. Sirius closes his eyes as Remus stretches him, relishing the feeling, the slight burn. It's been too long since they've done this, since he's felt Remus inside him, on top of him. His breath comes in short gasps as Remus kisses and bites at his neck, leaving deep red marks on pale skin. Sirius feels like he's burning up, can feel Remus inside him, feel the way their hips fit together so perfectly. Remus's hands are everywhere, on his chest, his back, his thighs, and it's all Sirius can do to moan his name with every thrust, to roll his own hips up to meet Remus's. He hears words, snatches of the strings of compliments Remus always mutters during sex, and reaches up to trace along the thin white scars on Remus's chest. He sees stars when he comes, it's been so long, and moans out Remus's name, with a gasp. Remus comes too, soon after, with a soft sound that might have been  _"Sirius"._

They disentangle themselves from the bedsheets, and with a few quick spells, clean themselves up. They should shower, but the bed is warm, and being in one another's arms is better than hot water. Sirius rest's his head on Remus's shoulder, and smiles.

"I love you." He says, tracing idle, meaningless patterns on Remus's skin.

"I love you, too." Remus says, and although he can't see it, Sirius can hear the smile in his voice.

They lie there, talking, until they fall asleep. Sirius tells Remus that he's finally managed to give up smoking, and Remus sounds as though he might burst with pride. Remus tells Sirius that a customer complained abut him, and Sirius laughs, and reassures him that the customer was probably an arsehole anyway.

And now, everything is okay.


End file.
